I have been seeing many married couples who are very unhappy and feeling hopeless about their relationship. Men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex, no passion or excitement in the marriage. Women complain that men don't want to engage in conversations with them, they don't want to talk and especially about anything serious or possibly resembling a complaint or a gripe.
Why do people become estraged? What happens to the love, lust and excitiement of the beginning of a relationship.
In the beginning of a relationship we feel and treat each other as the most special, important person in our lives. There is genuine interest in every detail of each other's day, we love being togeather as much as possible, there is a lot of support, praise, compliments, interest in each others' feelings and thoughts and we can't keep our hands off each other.
Then time passes, various things happen and gradually we start to focus on the negative things about each other, all the things we loved about the other person start becoming a problem. We start treating each other differently and the relationship changes or is it the other way around?
I think it is very important to go back to what you loved about your partner at the beginning and really focus on that. The negatives somehow took over what you loved and created a sea of anger, resentment and disconnection.
My suggestion: stop and consider what attracted you to this person to begin with? What happened to it? Try and notice what your partner does that is wonderful and say something about it. Notice an new dress or a new haircut and comment on it. Thank him for taking out the trash instead of criticising what he did not do.
For men, if your wife is trying to talk to you, don't say "oh not again", "what now?" or "I don't want to talk about it". This kills any romantic or sexy feelings in her soul and she is not going to turn into a sexy wife when you are in bed. Hurt, anger and resentment kill romance.
Women, remember to touch your husbands, think about fun, pleasure and excitement. Show them appreciation for what they do, hug them, look at them and may be they will be more willing to consider how you feel and what you want.
Love is caring about someone else's feelings as if they are your own. Make your spouse feel important and special. It is a good step in the right direction.

Labels: Sustaining a Good Marriage

I have been responding to a number of queries from various media sources regarding what Valentine's Day means for single people. It realy got me thinking about the subject matter. I want to share some thoughts about what it may mean for singles as well as for people who are married or dating.
In my personal and professional experience, no matter what your situation is, Valentine's is a tough and loaded holiday, if you call it that.
For those who are single and want to be in a relationship, but without a prospect of one at the moment, it simply is a tough day to get through, you feel like you have a scarlet letter on your forhead.
I always explore with my single patients ways to deal with this day, what it means to them, bringing to their minds other Valentine's when things were different, remembering it is one day and is not a reflection on the rest of your life. I do not think you must have a date for Valentine's just to feel like you are OK. I think it is important to keep in mind that most people have spent this day alone or without a romanatic partner at some time or another. Having no date this Valentine's does not mean that you won't next time.
One reporter, asked if we should have a Singles Recognition Day. My response was no, because being single is not something to make a deal about. That's life, sometimes you are in love and sometimes not. You have to ride the waves of life graciously and not let public preasure make you feel there is something tragic to make a stand about.
I don't have magic advice for singles on Valentine's, but here are some ideas:
-work all day
-plan a really fun night doing a favorite thing with your nearest and dearest friend(s)
-pamper yourself to the utmost
-go away if it falls on a weekend to a long desired destination
-try to surround yourself with love that you do have in your life as the day is really about LOVE, not just romantic love.
For those who are in relationships, dating, this is a tough holiday as there are many expectations attached to this day. What kind of gift will I get and what does it say about our relationship or where we are at? There is much agonizing about what to get for your date, not to put too much or too little meaning. Many, especially women, hope for a ring or some indication of a committment on this day. This all creates a lot of preassure, angst and at times, dissappointment.
For married couples, it is a similar situation. How the day gets acknowledged or handled also has a lot of meaning about the feelings in and about the marriage and where the couple is. A lot of weight gets attached to the kind of gift that is chosen, what flowers, where to have dinner. All these choices in them have potential messages about the presence or absence of romance, connection and intimacy.
So as you can see, it is not so simple for anyone. My advice is, remember its about LOVE, do your best to express it to who you love on daily basis in all ways you can. Valentine's is just a day in a year, don't get so hung up on it. All my best!

As the holiday season is upon us I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

It occurs to me that when everyone tells you "Happy Holidays" and there are all the decorations and the whole holiday frenzy going on, it's a lot of pressure to feel happy. Many of us don't feel so happy and holidays don't automatically make us feel happy. Actually, sometimes we feel worse around the holidays because of the pressure to feel good. Holidays are a time when we take stock of the year passing and what happened or didn't. We also especially miss and grieve the loss of loved ones.

The December holidays of Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa in my mind are celebrations of gratitude and generosity and connecting.

The whole issue of giving and receiving gifts can activate old issues. The questions of worth, entitlement, deprivation are among many. Then there is also anxiety about spending money in these hard economic times. BE GENEROUS - give and receive with open heart and hands.

I am big on finding things to be great full about. Think about what is good in your life, simple stuff: a good movie, beautiful music, a great meal, not to mention health, work.

When you take stock of the year that is ending try to be honest and not only find what went wrong. Where there any positive developments? Did you meet any personal goals? Look for what was good and what is good. When making resolutions for the next year, be realistic. Make resolutions that are possible to achieve. Push yourself, but don't set yourself up for disappointment.

I think that what makes holidays wonderful and special is connecting with those who you love; those who make your heart feel softer. Who do you love in your life? Who loves you? Think honestly, who do you want to share holidays with, reach out to them. Spending time with those people in your life, sharing meals, laughter, conversation, will fill you with joy and gratitude. That as close as we can get to happiness, isn’t it? It is what holidays are all about. Take the time, slow down and connect.

Have wonderful holidays!